Awakening

Using pot and other substances to numb myself for so many years. Keeping me from feeling and realizing the world I had created around me. So when I stopped smoking pot, which I had been depending on a daily basis I began to wake up as if from a long sleep. Or as if from a drowning in a deep body of water. It wasn't until I hadn't partaken in that particular act for almost 10 days that I realized that it was gone. And I didn't miss it. I was actually feeling the clarity that was enfolding me. The knowledge that this is my last shot at living my life as me.

So much inside me finally being realized though not always readily accepted, and none of which completely ignored. The life-altering experiences so slight, yet so cathartic: a message, a word, a phrase, a photograph, a song lyric...

Or it could be the shrugging off of denial like a heavy wet blanket weighing me down. As simple as a five-hour car ride. It could have been all of the above or none of the above.

But the more I think about it, trying to analyze and find the "answers" I realized it was fear. Scared that this is the rest of my life and knowing I would rather die than live like I have my whole life. I'm so tired of being petrified of living. Never embracing who I really am, always conforming to who I thought they wanted me to be. So much easier really than being myself.

When I think of this person inside of me I feel someone, so seemingly controversial that I know I am only going to end up completely complicating my life. I'm so tired of the desperation. It's more degradation than I've ever felt before. How sick that I am so desperate to be someone else because it's the easiest? So here I am all at once finding my sub-conscience embracing this person I know I am, therefore finding it more and more normal for me to accept who I am.

It's so frightening to be ready to make changes in my life that will actually challenge me, my integrity and the probability of making mistakes. The mistakes I can handle, it's the fear of making a fool of myself that's the real kicker. And the greater the fear of being that fool, the greater probability that I will be that fool.

Carving my path...

In light of recent events that have happened, I have had some rather enlightened moments in the past few weeks. Whereas it is scary, it is also VERY empowering. I'm not quite sure why this is happening, but it is and there are aspects of my life that I am willing to sacrifice because I WANT TO. For the first time in my life I feel responsible for my destiny without regard to what others may think or how they may react.

My best friends mom passed away on March 28th. and I immediately went to be with her in St. Louis, MO. This is a new chapter as friends and adults...the loss of the older generation in our lives and the mirror effect of seeing our own mortality for the first time. Not really for the first time, but thinking about how our lives are now respectively half lived. And how we have all lived! Wild and free, enjoying drinking and smoking and illegal substances. But mostly enjoying each other and how comfortable we are in regards to loving each other for our strengths and weaknesses. Laughing until we cry and crying until we laugh. We have a love for each other that will endure anything.

So throughout this process of handling her mother's death I spent a lot of time by myself. Driving five hours, waiting at their home while they went to address their responsibilities, the sleepless nights. I realized that I have wrapped my whole life around others. Pleasing others, taking care of others, putting others problems before mine...because it kept me from dealing with the reality of my own existence. If I worry about someone's problems rather than my own, I don't have to take a look at myself. Not that I'm not honest with myself about my mistakes and shortcomings. No other person on this planet can be as critical of me than myself. It's just sometimes so much easier to block out that voice that drives me to insanity. Funny how that voice sounds so much like my mother's.

I was talking with my friend, Kate, about this on Sunday over Bloody Mary's. She reminded me that I will be turning 40 this year and how for some reason it makes it a milestone year. An empowering year. A year that is critical and unavoidable in our existence. Kate also has issues within herself that she is working on. We made a pact to remind each other to live in the moment. If I am doing laundry, I am in the moment of doing laundry. If I am grocery shopping, I am grocery shopping. If I am making love, I am making love. Instead of constantly playing the what-if game. The mind game of criticizing. The thoughts of wondering what someone is doing so far away. I told her that I am ready to take control of MY existence and start creating a path for MYSELF in this life. Then came to the ultimate conclusion of having a theoretical machete hacking a path through life and enjoying every fucking minute of it.

I was mistaken

I thought when I started this blogging business that I would have something to talk about every day. I don't think I realized that there are many days that I feel life is genuinely good and I don't have a whole lot to say. I love my man, like my job and feel I make a difference, my family isn't too psycho, weathers great... Just not a lot to say. There are days when I could purge, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop the rant or it would just go in circles and if anyone did happen to read it they would say, "What the hell?"

Today is a good day. It's FRIDAY, enough said.

Still obsessing...

Ok, so it's coming up on a week and I still seem to be obsessing over my past. I have moved on from the "crush" and now can't stop thinking about the classmates I had and growing up from ages 9 to 15 in a small town in Iowa. There were mistakes made with friends and people that I knew. I was so immature, said and did things that were boneheaded and couldn't keep my mouth shut to save myself. I miss those people and I miss the fact that I didn't get to finish my high school years with them. The thoughts of "What did I miss?" keep coming back to me constantly. How would my life have been different if I would have graduated with them. Last night I couldn't sleep most of the night and all I did was go over all of the mistakes I made, and there are a lot. I would like to reach out to some of my former friends, I tried to once and there wasn't a lot of interest in rekindling any kind of relationship. I regret that because it was my best friend. Missing her wedding caused a lot of hurt and it's something that I'll never be able to take back. I understand what I did, and a lot of those mistakes have helped me as I moved to a different school and my life progressed. I'm thankful for the introspect, just continue to wish I could have made things better. Still working through how I can get past this distraction, because there isn't a lot I can do about it. There is another friend who I was close to living there still. Hoping to find the courage to call her, but what do I say? Hi, I haven't seen or talked to you in close to twenty years and the last time you saw me I was a complete mess, so how are you doing? How cheesy is that? Regrets are hard for me to leave behind, and there are so many that if I let myself I could go insane pondering them. When there were two choices, I seem to have always chosen the most detrimental to myself and those around me. Anything would help this depression that seems to be settling around it all.

People Finder

Ok, so I don't know why, but every once in awhile I start to think of my old crushes from high school. It's a totally sick state of mind. Normally, I would think about my past and let it go. Every once in awhile though I start to obsess a little. Where are they now? What are they doing? Are they married? What would happen if we were to meet up somewhere? Would they remember me? Unfortunately the internet can turn even the most innocent person into an instant stalker. Going to a people finder site and plugging in first and last name can get you enough information to make things worse. I found an old crush and confirmed that it was him because it also listed his family members. Neat. Put in my own name and information and, poof, there I am. Including where I have lived and my husbands name. Yes, I have a husband, I told you it was sick. What is it that makes us think about our past with a slight longing and the what-if? Thinking back, the guy was kind of a dick, and wanted more from me sexually than I was comfortable with. I said no and he decided to act as if I didn't exist. Still, the what-if is there. What if I had given in to him? Would we be together? No. I know this honestly. So why the obsession? Could it be that I'm feeling old? Yes. Could it be that I sometimes think of all the errors I made in my youth and think my life might be completely different if I would have made a different choice? Yes. Do I miss my youth? Yes. With a milestone of age coming up in a year, I'll be 40, I look at myself in the mirror and think, when did this happen? What happened to the awkward teenage girl trying to fit in and do what I was supposed to. I didn't take a lot of chances back then that I wish I would have. I would not change the choice to hold on to my innocence until nineteen. But, I would change how I handled situations in school, friends, guys and family. Yes, I have learned from it all. If asked to go back and do it over again, the answer would be a resounding, "No." My life is great and I know that I have learned from my past choices. I wonder if I will always think of these ghosts from the past, where they are and what they are doing in their life. I know it will fade away again for a few years, but it is unsettling to know that anyone can find themselves being a stalker.

Stupid Parents

I don't know when parenting skills went completely down the toilet but they sure have. We are raising some of the most spoiled rotten, disrespectful, arrogant, immature brats! Not all, but a majority. There is no discipline. They are allowed to speak to adults in such and insolent manner that it's appalling. Instead of parents and grandparents being mortified, THEY THINK IT'S CUTE. Which in turn shows the kids that it's acceptable. I don't get it. I was spanked as a child. Not excessively, but I did know what was expected of me and the repercussions if I didn't follow those expectations. I was respectful to ANY adult I encountered. We weren't brought up to expect everything we wanted. We didn't get a trophy if we didn't win. And, we sure as hell didn't get a present when we went to someone else's birthday party! We are raising a generation of children who don't know how to honestly work for anything. They aren't being taught responsibility or that if you don't succeed at something, you keep working at it. They are used to Mommy and Daddy swooping in, scooping them up and taking care of it for them. All the while letting them know that it's not their fault. It's going to be interesting when they find themselves in the adult world and they commit a crime or don't do what they are supposed to in their line of work. There won't be anyone there to pick up the pieces, they will just start pointing fingers because god forbid it should be their doing. I weep for the future because these are the little a-holes that are going to be taking care of us. It's too bad there isn't sterilization at birth because, as Green Day would say, only stupid people are breeding.