Thursday, April 30, 2009

Awakening

Using pot and other substances to numb myself for so many years. Keeping me from feeling and realizing the world I had created around me. So when I stopped smoking pot, which I had been depending on a daily basis I began to wake up as if from a long sleep. Or as if from a drowning in a deep body of water. It wasn't until I hadn't partaken in that particular act for almost 10 days that I realized that it was gone. And I didn't miss it. I was actually feeling the clarity that was enfolding me. The knowledge that this is my last shot at living my life as me.

So much inside me finally being realized though not always readily accepted, and none of which completely ignored. The life-altering experiences so slight, yet so cathartic: a message, a word, a phrase, a photograph, a song lyric...

Or it could be the shrugging off of denial like a heavy wet blanket weighing me down. As simple as a five-hour car ride. It could have been all of the above or none of the above.

But the more I think about it, trying to analyze and find the "answers" I realized it was fear. Scared that this is the rest of my life and knowing I would rather die than live like I have my whole life. I'm so tired of being petrified of living. Never embracing who I really am, always conforming to who I thought they wanted me to be. So much easier really than being myself.

When I think of this person inside of me I feel someone, so seemingly controversial that I know I am only going to end up completely complicating my life. I'm so tired of the desperation. It's more degradation than I've ever felt before. How sick that I am so desperate to be someone else because it's the easiest? So here I am all at once finding my sub-conscience embracing this person I know I am, therefore finding it more and more normal for me to accept who I am.

It's so frightening to be ready to make changes in my life that will actually challenge me, my integrity and the probability of making mistakes. The mistakes I can handle, it's the fear of making a fool of myself that's the real kicker. And the greater the fear of being that fool, the greater probability that I will be that fool.

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