Still obsessing...

Ok, so it's coming up on a week and I still seem to be obsessing over my past. I have moved on from the "crush" and now can't stop thinking about the classmates I had and growing up from ages 9 to 15 in a small town in Iowa. There were mistakes made with friends and people that I knew. I was so immature, said and did things that were boneheaded and couldn't keep my mouth shut to save myself. I miss those people and I miss the fact that I didn't get to finish my high school years with them. The thoughts of "What did I miss?" keep coming back to me constantly. How would my life have been different if I would have graduated with them. Last night I couldn't sleep most of the night and all I did was go over all of the mistakes I made, and there are a lot. I would like to reach out to some of my former friends, I tried to once and there wasn't a lot of interest in rekindling any kind of relationship. I regret that because it was my best friend. Missing her wedding caused a lot of hurt and it's something that I'll never be able to take back. I understand what I did, and a lot of those mistakes have helped me as I moved to a different school and my life progressed. I'm thankful for the introspect, just continue to wish I could have made things better. Still working through how I can get past this distraction, because there isn't a lot I can do about it. There is another friend who I was close to living there still. Hoping to find the courage to call her, but what do I say? Hi, I haven't seen or talked to you in close to twenty years and the last time you saw me I was a complete mess, so how are you doing? How cheesy is that? Regrets are hard for me to leave behind, and there are so many that if I let myself I could go insane pondering them. When there were two choices, I seem to have always chosen the most detrimental to myself and those around me. Anything would help this depression that seems to be settling around it all.

People Finder

Ok, so I don't know why, but every once in awhile I start to think of my old crushes from high school. It's a totally sick state of mind. Normally, I would think about my past and let it go. Every once in awhile though I start to obsess a little. Where are they now? What are they doing? Are they married? What would happen if we were to meet up somewhere? Would they remember me? Unfortunately the internet can turn even the most innocent person into an instant stalker. Going to a people finder site and plugging in first and last name can get you enough information to make things worse. I found an old crush and confirmed that it was him because it also listed his family members. Neat. Put in my own name and information and, poof, there I am. Including where I have lived and my husbands name. Yes, I have a husband, I told you it was sick. What is it that makes us think about our past with a slight longing and the what-if? Thinking back, the guy was kind of a dick, and wanted more from me sexually than I was comfortable with. I said no and he decided to act as if I didn't exist. Still, the what-if is there. What if I had given in to him? Would we be together? No. I know this honestly. So why the obsession? Could it be that I'm feeling old? Yes. Could it be that I sometimes think of all the errors I made in my youth and think my life might be completely different if I would have made a different choice? Yes. Do I miss my youth? Yes. With a milestone of age coming up in a year, I'll be 40, I look at myself in the mirror and think, when did this happen? What happened to the awkward teenage girl trying to fit in and do what I was supposed to. I didn't take a lot of chances back then that I wish I would have. I would not change the choice to hold on to my innocence until nineteen. But, I would change how I handled situations in school, friends, guys and family. Yes, I have learned from it all. If asked to go back and do it over again, the answer would be a resounding, "No." My life is great and I know that I have learned from my past choices. I wonder if I will always think of these ghosts from the past, where they are and what they are doing in their life. I know it will fade away again for a few years, but it is unsettling to know that anyone can find themselves being a stalker.

Stupid Parents

I don't know when parenting skills went completely down the toilet but they sure have. We are raising some of the most spoiled rotten, disrespectful, arrogant, immature brats! Not all, but a majority. There is no discipline. They are allowed to speak to adults in such and insolent manner that it's appalling. Instead of parents and grandparents being mortified, THEY THINK IT'S CUTE. Which in turn shows the kids that it's acceptable. I don't get it. I was spanked as a child. Not excessively, but I did know what was expected of me and the repercussions if I didn't follow those expectations. I was respectful to ANY adult I encountered. We weren't brought up to expect everything we wanted. We didn't get a trophy if we didn't win. And, we sure as hell didn't get a present when we went to someone else's birthday party! We are raising a generation of children who don't know how to honestly work for anything. They aren't being taught responsibility or that if you don't succeed at something, you keep working at it. They are used to Mommy and Daddy swooping in, scooping them up and taking care of it for them. All the while letting them know that it's not their fault. It's going to be interesting when they find themselves in the adult world and they commit a crime or don't do what they are supposed to in their line of work. There won't be anyone there to pick up the pieces, they will just start pointing fingers because god forbid it should be their doing. I weep for the future because these are the little a-holes that are going to be taking care of us. It's too bad there isn't sterilization at birth because, as Green Day would say, only stupid people are breeding.