Carving my path...

In light of recent events that have happened, I have had some rather enlightened moments in the past few weeks. Whereas it is scary, it is also VERY empowering. I'm not quite sure why this is happening, but it is and there are aspects of my life that I am willing to sacrifice because I WANT TO. For the first time in my life I feel responsible for my destiny without regard to what others may think or how they may react.

My best friends mom passed away on March 28th. and I immediately went to be with her in St. Louis, MO. This is a new chapter as friends and adults...the loss of the older generation in our lives and the mirror effect of seeing our own mortality for the first time. Not really for the first time, but thinking about how our lives are now respectively half lived. And how we have all lived! Wild and free, enjoying drinking and smoking and illegal substances. But mostly enjoying each other and how comfortable we are in regards to loving each other for our strengths and weaknesses. Laughing until we cry and crying until we laugh. We have a love for each other that will endure anything.

So throughout this process of handling her mother's death I spent a lot of time by myself. Driving five hours, waiting at their home while they went to address their responsibilities, the sleepless nights. I realized that I have wrapped my whole life around others. Pleasing others, taking care of others, putting others problems before mine...because it kept me from dealing with the reality of my own existence. If I worry about someone's problems rather than my own, I don't have to take a look at myself. Not that I'm not honest with myself about my mistakes and shortcomings. No other person on this planet can be as critical of me than myself. It's just sometimes so much easier to block out that voice that drives me to insanity. Funny how that voice sounds so much like my mother's.

I was talking with my friend, Kate, about this on Sunday over Bloody Mary's. She reminded me that I will be turning 40 this year and how for some reason it makes it a milestone year. An empowering year. A year that is critical and unavoidable in our existence. Kate also has issues within herself that she is working on. We made a pact to remind each other to live in the moment. If I am doing laundry, I am in the moment of doing laundry. If I am grocery shopping, I am grocery shopping. If I am making love, I am making love. Instead of constantly playing the what-if game. The mind game of criticizing. The thoughts of wondering what someone is doing so far away. I told her that I am ready to take control of MY existence and start creating a path for MYSELF in this life. Then came to the ultimate conclusion of having a theoretical machete hacking a path through life and enjoying every fucking minute of it.